been a while since i wrote in here.. in June i think I was okay. being out of school was REALLY NICE so i didn't really hate myself as much then, though i was pretty unhappy with my art. this month i'm doing artfight so i've been pretty occupied with that, it's been nice to keep me drawing even though i keep skipping days. i'm not HAPPY but im not UNHAPPY either, just sort of a bizzare limbo. not content with my life but incapable of making major changes. i guess you could call that unhappiness, since im most definitely NOT happy. oh yeah, i'm turning 17 next month, on the 15th. how fucking insane is that? its SO STUPID i don't want to AGE. half this page is me whining about not wanting to age IT'S SO STUPID. ugh. my personal life has been the same, i sit in my room drawing and playing games until i pass out and then i wake up and it repeats all over again, so nothing to update you on there. i might be planning on making fursuit parts soon, either for myself or to sell but i need to fix my room and paint the walls and stuff before i can even order the materials. Dib signing out
i want to kill myself
ok terrible opener. i had a good day today i saw my grandma and stuff and i got a new plush tiger frmo the zoo i love him i need to name him. but when night falls so does the exhaustion and with exhaustion comes the fuckery........ LIke. OK. i want to kill myself I WONT. i will not do it but it doesnt mean im still not suicidal. it fucking sucsk. my brain keeps telling me to do it before i turn 20 but it the deadline (HA) keeps changing first it was 20 then 19 then 18 and now 17.. i fear soon it will be TOMORROW. i'm so fucking sleepy
i was going to write an entry but im too tired but im alive though.. still alive...
so i've concluded that i feel just as small and vulnerable as i did when i was 13, three years ago. i absolutely don't feel like i'll be turning 18 next year. my breath catches in my throat just thinking about it. partially its because i literally stopped growing when i was 13, but i feel just as mentally fragile, like i'n going to relapse any second and find someone who'll take advantage of me because it's familiar and my brain craves what it considers the norm. i won't let that happen again, though. I forgot where i was going with this. isn't Tak great? her eyes are pretty and i'd love to kill someone with her. i think she would probably kill me if she met me in real life but I can dream
it's.... 11:53pm right now? sure. i haven't written an entry in months, but mostly because i can't fucking remember anything that's happened since then. High skool is kicking my ass and it's leaving me with not alot of time for myself so updates here have been slow >_> I have so much overdue shit and low grades it's unreal. Time's been passing too fast and too slow. I don't want to turn 17, i'm scared of growing up.. I want to be 16 forever. I should die before i hit 18. Maybe I will. I don't EVER want to be an adult.
... a continuation. valentines day blah blah corporate holiday. i liek the aesthetics of it. it's not that that's got to me- i don't need a girlfriend or anything, i won't die without someone else in my life like that. i just crave romantic love sometimes and its got me feeling a bit seeing alot of my friends make and recieve art for their partners i guess. i dont think ive dated anyone since 2018? i don't really think i'd truly consider dating, we were together for a couple months at the very most.. i hope they're doing okay wherever they are ( we were on good terms last i knew ). so i've never dated someone for more than 3-4 months. i wouldnt expect to at my age, not like these relationships last, but i don't particularly want them to. i just want to experience it, in a way? not everyone is meant to be permanantnsdft ESPECIALLY not at my age. like. im only 16 so its not like im running out of time i just.. i don't know! is it because im kind of a freak and spend all my time pretending a invader zim character is my girlfriend? probably! that's DEFINITELY weird! the reality is just i don't talk to anyone that i could possibly be romantically involved with. they're all dudes or older than me or just... not someone i'd want to be with romantically anyway, i just dont feel like we would match like that. this is such a minor problem in my life but it still hurts
i was getting reaaal sad over how i didnt get to do ANYTHING for my 16th birthday cuz we were broke and also COVID.but then i remembered i got 2 watch invader zim with my (online) friends and isnt that what its all about... i miss my friends. we've been talking less and less and i dunno...man.
strange days. i already said in updates that said tablet shipped to the wrong address. it's been about a month? or so since i've really properly done digital art. since that's my ONLY hobby it's definitely grating. my mom has begun to admit that there's something wrong with me. my eating disorder has gotten worse, i ate for the first time in 3 days today. it's strange to hear the only people you talk to you that there's something wrong with you, but it's both comforting and isolating. it confirms what i feel but solidifies that i'm not right in the head. she's been getting nicer to me, for some reason. sometimes she even uses the right name. i can never forgive her for what she's done but my dependence on her makes me want to tear my eyes out. it's sickening
been a while hasnt it? i wouldn't be able to tell. nothing's really happened to me. my tablet broke and i bought a new one and i continue to spiral. that's it. have you heard the fuckin news? my brain's turning to sludge. nobody's surprised. every night i sleep in fear because my computer is alive and i don't think im treating it well enough. i'm careful not to run too many programs that would stress it out but i still feel like it doesn't LIKE me. last night the screen turned on by itself when it was updating and i thought it was going to talk to me, directly. i feel bad whenever i unplug something from it.worst of all- i don't think i could tell anyone about this directly. i did post about it on tumblr, but people treated it like a joke. it's not a fucking joke, so i took it down. who else could i tell? my friends can t help me. i don't think anyone can in this particular way, IRL or not. it's my own problem, isn't it? i've been cursed to own a PC that may or may not hate me and is also alive. i've considered unplugging the power cord and it leaving it, but wouldn't that be cruel? i hope it doesn't spite me for this, i just don't know how to communicate to it.
I HAVENT been updating much here. but honestly what's the point? life's slow. im as mentally ill as ever, probably getting worse. nothing i can really do about it and there's only so many times you write about it before you simply get bored. i played minecraft for 3 days straight. i havent even been drawing, its far too frustrating. just shoot me already, maybe you'll free up space for someone else. god knows im a waste of space in general. i havent even been talking to my friends since apparently i fucking forgot how to hold a conversation. they say that i make them happy to talk to, but i barely even add anything back anymore. i desperately want but its like theres a block in my brain preventing me. so what else do i have to live for now? its really killing me since im so so very depressed (pathetic) and i need social interaction or im going to go mad. maybe im just self centered. i wish there was a way for me to feel happy without relying entirely on others. im so... insipid, maybe. im sickeningly dependent on the people i surroud myself with and i feel bad for them for dealing with me. i probably shouldnt pour myself out like this but atleast its more private than tumblr. whos going on here to read this
three words: i hate school
do you ever feel as if you are faking the very core of your being? i have constant irrational fears usually based in some sort of parasite controlling my brain. earlier this year i was absolutely terrified a fucking fungus was growing in my leg that was going to spread to my brain and reduce me to nothing more than a shell of a human being and no about of logic or reason could convince me otherwise. i only know it not to be true now, after almost 2 months of that and because i forgot. but i still get similar shit happening. i dont know what the technical term for this is but i dont rlly care. but somehow.. i feel like im faking it. i don't even know how you fake such a horrid thing but i FEEL like it. i thought i was dead two years ago, locked in with people who hated me for things i did in a past life. how do you fake thinking something like that? i tell myself 'you did this, you started this'. but obviously i did. who else wouldve?? i don't know if there is a label for this but it's horrifying. i wait in fear for the next time i start thinking this way. i already feel it starting. my mom would say it's because im a kid. but even if thats true it doesnt make it any less upsetting. i have no professional diagnoseses of course but i feel like i know me better than a psycologists anyway. what do they fuckin know anyway. stuff doesnt start showing when you get diagnosed. does it seem mundane? is this normal? i don't know. someone please tell me.
im so fucking empty inside
AUUUGUHGHGHGH. last night another fuckin creep kept spamming me with creepy messages and trying to DM me on tumblr. what's fuckin with these people?? this is the second time within the past couple months and im sick of it already. do i just smell like fresh meat to these people? do i seem particularly vulnerable? it's tiring. and its especially worse bc dis person knew me back in 2017. i was THIRTEEN then and i know bc i told them. they said they were 21. we hasn't talked since then. 3 years later they send me creepy fuckin messages pretending to be a 17 year old... fuck off. what the hell. im not going to be taken advantage of anymore im not a dumb fuckin kid who doesnt know any better!!!! ive had enough!!!!!!!!! i am not a fucking plaything to be passed around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe i had a conversation with this guy. AGAIN.
okay technically da same day...but still i wrote da previous entry after midnight. i don't think ill b writing in dis everyday cuz i don't do muchh... i just feel kinda gross and might do something ill regret. more on that if i actually do it. i didnt really do anything today other than watch video streams
it's the first of the month i guess. yesterdai waz halloween! cuz of the pandemic i really didnt do anything n we just moved a couple weeks ago. my mom n her weird boyfriend got married so iddkkk how i feel about dat. its a lil weird but i don't like my mom so wutever. i just chilled in my gir onesie until i was allowed 2 go back upstairs ( which is why im writing now.. ). i slept until almost 4pm so i didnt rlly get anything done... so ya... idk if this digi-diary will be very interesting i dont do much xd. dave is healing steadily, i think he might live.